Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
