I didn't shave. On purpose
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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