Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I need moral support for this bender
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
