sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
