You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
