just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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