That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
