my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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