She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
