Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so let's talk penis.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
