Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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