I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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