I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
two words: eviction party
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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