My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
