She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
