I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
