It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
