I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize