would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
