His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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