Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
