the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
