The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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