i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
