I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
