I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
