his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
