Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
