That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
