everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize