and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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