so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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