Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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