So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I am naked and annoyed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
