I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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