Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
