Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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