Cold hands, warm shart.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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