So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
