In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
