One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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