Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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