Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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