First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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