so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
