You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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