Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
