took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize