Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
