My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize