he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
