so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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