Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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