I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize