I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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