A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
