this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
