Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize