I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
