i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
