I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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