I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
